


A Certain Kind of Sadness

by BeneaththeHalo



Series: Courage Magic Strength [13]
Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Canon, Curse Breaking, Magical Genderswap, Multi, Rimming
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-13
Updated: 2014-08-13
Packaged: 2018-02-13 01:27:53
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,609
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2131878
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BeneaththeHalo/pseuds/BeneaththeHalo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Gwaine knew there’d be consequences eventually for sleeping with both the king and the world’s most powerful sorcerer. But luckily for Gwaine, Merlin and Arthur are still right there, and they know exactly what they're doing.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Certain Kind of Sadness

**Author's Note:**

> Possible triggers for body or gender dysphoria
> 
> Day #13- Rimming

They hadn't been expecting it at all, when it happened. They'd all thought _Gwaine_ of all people would've been safe, given that Arthur was the King of Camelot and Merlin was the most powerful sorcerer in the world. Surely, _surely_ , if somebody wanted to hurt or weaken the kingdom, they'd hurt Merlin or Arthur. And they'd thought their relationship was such a well-guarded secret- passing Gwaine off as nothing more than Arthur's most skilled knight, their trusted bodyguard. Those that they trusted dearly knew, without the trio even telling them. But that was because they _knew_ them, all three of them, and they'd sworn they'd keep it a secret.

No matter how careful they'd been, though, no matter how well they'd tried to disguise what they had, someone, _somewhere_ had found out. They'd been in the middle of a feast- Arthur, his round table, his advisors (including Gaius), and Merlin as his Court Sorcerer- when Gwaine had started clutching at his chest. No one had noticed at first, until Gwaine had started choking, spluttering, struggling to breathe. Merlin, sitting next to him, had turned to him worriedly, gripping his shoulder. "Gwaine?" he said. "Gwaine!"

But Gwaine didn't answer. Instead he looked up at Merlin, wide-eyed and fearful, before slumping forward onto Merlin, unconscious.

Merlin looked to Arthur, his face frozen in horror. The king himself rose to his feet slowly, looking at Gwaine as if unable to believe what he was seeing.

It was the knights that sprung into action first. Percival ran straight to Gwaine's side, slinging the unconscious knight over his shoulder and carrying him out of the hall, closely followed by Elyan as well as Gaius. Leon moved to stand beside his king.

"Sire," he said. "Arthur. What do you want to do?"

Arthur looked almost dazedly at a still horror-stricken Merlin, before coming back to himself. "Lock down the hall, and the castle. No one gets out. We must find out who did this." Arthur put a hand on Merlin's shoulder, drawing the warlock's attention. "Grab the goblet. Gaius will want to test it. And Leon? Tell Guinevere to get Gwaine's food, but make sure she is careful. Just touching it could poison her too."

Merlin's hand closed around the goblet, not looking at it, his gaze still frozen on Arthur. "Come, Merlin. We need to go see him."

Merlin nodded, rising to his feet and following Arthur out of the hall, their guests staring after them.

When they were alone, Arthur said, "we need to figure out whether Gwaine was the intended target."

Merlin blinked, finally coming back to himself. "What?"

"For goodness sake, _Mer_ lin," said Arthur exasperatedly, falling back on his usual habits to get Merlin to focus. "What I can't figure out, is why would someone poison Gwaine, when both you and I were sitting at the same table?"

"You think this was an accident?" Merlin surmised.

"Well, to put it bluntly... that is possible," said Arthur. "But I don't know. We need to think about Gwaine." They had arrived at the physician's chambers, where Gwaine had been taken so Gaius could better treat him. "Gaius?" he called out. But there was no answer in the room beyond. "Gaius?"

Some hushed noises of discussion, a scuffling sound, and Gaius appeared at a crack in the door. "I'm not so sure you should come in, my lord."

"Nonsense, Gaius. We want to see Gwaine," said Arthur. "Please."

"We _care_ about him," Merlin added. "No matter what state he's in, how close he is to death... we need to be here with him."

The way Gaius hesitated again told Merlin and Arthur that something was wrong. Something other that Gwaine being on the verge of death. "This is the problem. It's Gwaine that doesn't want the two of you in here. _Especially_ the two of you."

"Gwaine is awake? He's alive?" said Merlin. The look of hope and of pure desperation on Merlin's face was enough to crack nearly any man.

Except, apparently, it couldn't crack Gaius. "Sir Gwaine is awake, yes," he said. "But his condition, is rather, uh... delicate."

"What do you mean?" Merlin asked. "Gaius? Please."

"He doesn't want you to see him. He doesn't want _anyone_ to see him," Gaius repeated.

"Gaius, I am speaking as your _king_ ," said Arthur. "Let me in that room." There was a determination in his voice that just would not be denied.

Gaius sighed. "Very well. I'll let you in. You just... need to be prepared for what you'll find."

Merlin and Arthur looked at each other, concerned, before turning back to Gaius. "Whatever it is, Gaius... we just need to see him," said Merlin.

Gaius nodded, stepping aside to allow the two men into the room. They stuck close to each other's side, a comforting presence, searching the room for Gwaine. Finally their eyes fell on the rickety old bed in the room, where a woman was lying, watching them warily.

"Who is this? Gaius?" Arthur asked, but Gaius said nothing. Instead he backed out of the room and closed the door behind him, leaving Merlin and Arthur alone with the woman.

"Alright, since Gaius won't tell us anything, who are you? And where is Sir Gwaine?" Arthur asked.

"Arthur..." said the woman almost sadly, in a voice they'd never heard yet was eerily familiar.

It was Merlin who figured it out. Studying the woman, he began to notice familiar features. The shape of her face. The colour of her eyes and hair. Her well-toned body. And the expression on her face, past the sadness- it was one of love.

This was no woman.

"Gwaine?" Merlin whispered, taking a step forward. "Is that you?"

The woman nodded, looking up at Merlin and Arthur almost apologetically. "It is," said Gwaine, and now that they were listening for it, they could recognise Gwaine's voice, even if it was higher than normal.

"This is what that... whatever it is did to you?" said Arthur, moving closer to Gwaine. He was holding a blanket up to his chest, and Merlin and Arthur were pretty certain that it was because he didn't want them to see.

Gwaine closed his eyes, still holding the blanket tight to his chest. "Yeah. I just started feeling really hot, and my breathing just got worse and worse, and then I passed out... and when I woke up, I was in here and _this_ had happened."

When Gwaine opened his eyes after a long period of silence, it was to find both Merlin and Arthur kneeling beside him. "We're sorry," said Merlin earnestly. He reached out to take Gwaine's hand, the latter trying to pull away but Merlin wouldn't have a bar of it. "We're so sorry, Gwaine," he repeated, squeezing his hand.

"What do you mean?" said Gwaine, confused. "This isn't your fault."

"Yes, it is," said Arthur. "You wouldn't have been poisoned if it wasn't for us. Think about it. You were sitting right next to Merlin, so it could've been meant for him. And with the king and the Court Sorcerer sitting at the same table, why would someone choose to poison a knight?"

"Maybe somebody found out about us," Merlin suggested, struck by a sudden thought. Both Arthur and Gwaine stared at him. "Look, if somebody... if somebody _knows_ , what would be the best to target us, make sure that we're distracted?"

"By targeting me," Gwaine realised. "And don't you dare blame yourselves. It's not your fault." As if to illustrate this, Gwaine tangled his fingers with Merlin's, sending both men a small smile. They could tell, though, that it didn't quite meet his eyes.

"What are we going to do now?" Merlin asked. "I mean, everyone saw you faint, Gwaine. And they know you're in here. We can't hide you in here forever."

Gwaine shook his head, long dark hair cascading down his back and lightly tickling his bare back. "I am _not_ letting them see me like this. Can you imagine everything I'll get from the knights? No."

"This isn't like you, Gwaine," said Arthur. "You'd normally face a difficult decision with your head held high."

"I'm not really _me_ right now though, am I?" said Gwaine. He held the blanket still tighter, silently begging Merlin and Arthur to leave him be. But his two lovers were nothing if not stubborn, and they weren’t going anywhere.

“You don’t have to hide your body from us, Gwaine,” Merlin said, squeezing Gwaine’s hand. “You’re still you, and we love you no matter what you look like, or what body you have.”

“I can’t…” Gwaine whispered, squeezing his eyes shut tight. “Part of me feels like this is still a dream, and if I let you see _all_ of me, it will make this real.” There was another fear, beneath his reluctance to reveal his female body, growing stronger by the second despite Arthur and Merlin’s reassurances and gestures.

Arthur leaned forward, pressing his lips to Gwaine’s forehead. “It’s okay, Gwaine,” he said. “We’re not going anywhere. I promise you that. We _will_ find a cure, and we are not leaving you.”

“What if there is no cure?” Gwaine asked, almost dreading the answer.

“What did Arthur just say?” Merlin chided gently. “We aren’t leaving you, no matter what happens. We love you, Gwaine.”

Finally, with his heart pounding in his throat, Gwaine let the sheet drop. His woman’s breasts, large and perky, were revealed to Merlin and Arthur. Automatically, Gwaine crossed his arms in front of them. He knew he was acting childish and stupid- Merlin and Arthur had seen him naked plenty of times before, when they had bathed together and shared a bed. But this felt different, somehow. He didn’t feel like _Gwaine_.

Gwaine’s blanket was still draped loosely over his legs, but Merlin and Arthur could still see the prick he so loved to fuck them with was gone. “Gwaine,” Merlin whispered, as if trying to tell Gwaine that he was still here, that despite what he looked like now, he was still the same person.

But Gwaine didn’t _feel_ the same. Without looking like himself, he didn’t _feel_ like himself, no matter what the other two were telling him or how they were acting. “How would they react? What would they _do_ if they saw me?”

“They wouldn’t make fun of you, Gwaine,” said Arthur. “I think they would understand how _hard_ this is for you. And if they do make fun of you, they have Merlin and I to answer to.”

Gwaine smiled properly for the first time since he’d been poisoned or cursed or _whatever_ this was. “Thank you,” he whispered gratefully.

Merlin and Arthur both put their arms around Gwaine, leaning their heads on his shoulders. “We will figure this out, Gwaine,” Merlin promised. “I bet you anything Gaius is right now in the library, trying to find a cure.”

“There is something we need to figure out right now, though,” said Arthur, eyeing Gwaine apprehensively. “What are you going to wear? Your clothes probably won’t fit you right now.”

“We could talk to Gwen?” Merlin suggested. “She wouldn’t make too big a deal out of this, and I’m sure she’d be able to find you something you’d be comfortable in. Maybe some of Morgana’s old clothes?”

“I am _not_ wearing a dress,” Gwaine interjected. “I’d feel all awkward, and I’d probably _trip_ over the bloody thing.” Gwaine shifted his positioning on the bed, and as he did Arthur’s hand grazed across Gwaine’s breast, nudging his nipple. Gwaine let out a tiny gasp, and Arthur withdrew his hand. “Put it back,” Gwaine insisted. “Do that again.”

“Why?”

“Because it felt bloody good, that’s why,” said Gwaine. “Just- _yes_ , like that.” Arthur was massaging the full roundness of Gwaine’s breasts with large, strong fingers, before teasing and twisting the nub. “ _God_ …” Gwaine pushed into the touch, squeezing his legs tight as his lady parts throbbed with _want_. He could feel something leaking onto his thighs, some sort of wetness-

As soon as Gwaine realised, he pulled away from Arthur’s touch. “I’m fucking _wet_ ,” he hissed, almost ashamed. “I shouldn’t _be_ wet. I know there’s nothing wrong with it, but-”

“It’s not you,” Merlin finished. Gwaine whimpered; his body _wanted_ Arthur and Merlin, wanted them _bad_. But he just couldn’t do it. This body was beautiful, if he looked at it in a detached sort of way. But it wasn’t _his_ , and being fucked in it, even if it was by those he loved, just felt _wrong_.

“I just can’t,” Gwaine admitted. “Letting you _touch_ me now, it- it feels like I’m _accepting_ this. And I’m not.”

Merlin and Arthur were saved from saying anything by a cautious knock on the door. “It’s Gaius!” a voice called out.

Merlin and Arthur looked to Gwaine, who nodded. “Let him in,” he said, pulling the sheet back up to his chest. “He’s already seen me anyway.”

Reluctantly getting up from beside Gwaine, Merlin crossed the room and opened the door. “Have you found anything?” he asked quickly.

Gaius shook his head. “I’m afraid not. But I’ve only checked the newer texts. This could be a far older poison, or even a curse. We’ll find something.”

“We don’t doubt you, Gaius,” said Arthur, keeping his voice strong, trying to fill Gwaine with at least some sense of hope. It seemed he was failing, because Gwaine’s expression remained downcast and his hands twisted in his blanket. Still, King Arthur plowed ahead. “Gwaine will need clothes. Send for Guinevere? And the knights, as well- send them back. They…” Arthur, still sitting next to Gwaine, turned to look at him. “I think it would be easier if they were told of what happened to Gwaine _before_ they saw him.”

“You do not wish to be kept hidden?” Gaius asked.

This time, it was Gwaine himself who answered, arranging his blanket so his body could not be seen. “They’ll keep asking to see me; keep asking what’s wrong with me. And if they run in to me in the corridors of the castle, they will recognise me. They’ll see the _old_ Gwaine in my face. But do tell them _before_ they see me. I don’t think I could stand to see their reactions when they find out.”

And so Gwen and the knights of the round table were sent for. It was Gaius who told them what had happened, to Gwaine, with Arthur and Merlin unwilling to leave the man-turned-woman’s side. Gwen’s hands went straight to her mouth, preventing her from letting out a gasp. The knights looked between each other, shocked, unable to imagine such a thing happening to their dear friend. Of course, they asked to see him, and after a moment, Gwaine had allowed them in. It was awkward, though, with the knights and Gwen trying not to stare and unsure of what to say. When they left Gwaine had cried, for the first time in a very long time.

 

Gaius searched for a cure for Gwaine tirelessly. Knowing that it was almost certain that either Gwaine’s food or his goblet had been the source of the poison helped, but the search was still unsuccessful as yet.

Gwaine had returned to his chambers in the dead of the night, when the rest of the castle was asleep. He had slept in the clothes Gwen had given him, unable to look at his woman’s body any longer. Normally he shared a bed with Arthur and Merlin, but that night he had slept alone.

Arthur and Merlin tried to go about their lives as normally as possible, knowing that a drop in their guard was exactly what the mysterious culprit wanted. But it was difficult. They knew Gwaine wasn’t coping, that he was desperately unhappy, that he missed his old body.

Gwaine just didn’t feel _right_ anymore. He didn’t feel like himself. He felt like an imposter in his own life. While he had returned to bed with Merlin and Arthur, he wouldn’t let them touch him. It just didn’t feel right, the way his body reacted to them now. He couldn’t be with them the way he wanted to.

It had been a week now, since Gwaine had been turned into a woman, and still Gaius had found no cure. He was searching extensively through every book in the library for even the slightest mention of something like this happening, but had found none. He was normally assisted by Gwen, and often Merlin or Arthur, or even one of the knights, but progress was still slow.

Gwaine just counted himself lucky that nobody else had recognised him. They had put out the word that Gwaine was ill and not to be disturbed, and luckily everyone had believed them. When he would walk through the castle or even very occasionally the lower town, he would pass by people he knew, but none of them had any idea that this strange woman who had shown up in Camelot, wearing a servant’s clothing and who refused to wear a dress, was actually Gwaine.

 

Arthur and Merlin found Gwaine sitting in Arthur’s chambers, where they often shared a bed. He was sitting on the edge of Arthur’s bed, his long hair tied up in a bun so it would stop getting in his way, and was fondling one of his breasts under his shirt, almost as if he was trying to get used to the shape and their weight.

“Gwaine?” said Merlin tentatively. Gwaine immediately withdrew his hand.

“I thought I should get used to them,” Gwaine explained, with a note of sadness that broke Arthur and Gwaine’s hearts. “Considering it seems I might be stuck this way forever.”

“We haven’t looked through everything, yet,” said Merlin. “We _will_ find something.”

“I appreciate it, Merlin,” said Gwaine. “But if you’ve gone this long without finding anything, and the curse still hasn’t broken, I doubt it will.” He sighed, resting his head in his hands. “And I _ache_ , too. These damn breasts keep hurting me, and every time we lie in bed together, and one of you brushes up against me or touches me in your sleep, I get urges like I always do, but it makes me _wet_ , and-” Gwaine cut himself off. “I want you, but I don’t know if I _can_. I can’t help but feel like if I let you touch me, that will be accepting this, and I’ll be stuck this way forever.”

“You _won’t_ be,” Arthur vowed. “And you shouldn’t let yourself suffer, Gwaine.” Arthur slowly rucked up Gwaine’s shirt, watching him for any sign of resistance, but there was none. He began tweaking Gwaine’s nipple and rubbing all over his breasts, and Gwaine let out a breath.

“I-” he started, then he stopped. “Do it. Touch me.”

Arthur lifted Gwaine up, laying him down on the bed, before continuing his ministrations. Merlin stripped him of his trousers and his breeches, spreading Gwaine’s legs wide to allow himself better access. A shiver ran down Gwaine’s spine, a shiver not of fear or apprehension but of _want_. He’d _missed_ Arthur and Merlin. Their touch was comforting, in a way, as they put their hands everywhere they could reach, Arthur’s lips on Gwaine’s and Merlin pressing kisses to Gwaine’s thighs. Fluid started leaking out, wetting Arthur’s bed below where Gwaine lay.

“At least we don’t have to worry about oil,” Gwaine tried to joke, and Arthur and Merlin laughed. And then, without a word of warning, Merlin’s tongue delved _inside_ , and Gwaine felt _right_ for the first time since he became a woman. He felt like _Gwaine_ again. He let out a moan, one hand entangling itself in Arthur’s hair and the other clenching the bedsheets. The feeling of Merlin’s tongue brushing everywhere, nudging a nub of flesh that Gwaine could never have imagined, caused him to lift his hips, and he egged Merlin and Arthur on, _begged_ them for release.

Finally, release came, and all Gwaine’s pent-up frustration and want practically _flooded_ out of him. He sighed, leaning back against the pillows. Arthur pressed a kiss to his brow, and Merlin grinned up at him from between his legs. “Feel better?” he asked.

“Much,” Gwaine whispered, not caring how soft and how different his voice sounded right then; he was just happy that Merlin and Arthur were here. “Thank you.”

 

Gwaine slept in Arthur and Merlin’s arms that night, not even bothering to dress, relishing the feel of skin on skin again. While he did not wake during the night, he slept fitfully, as he felt like his whole body was on fire.

Gwaine was the first one to wake in the morning, and he knew instantly that he felt different. But a good kind of different. This time he felt right. He looked down at himself, and cried out in happiness.

Gwaine’s cry woke Merlin and Arthur, who looked at him groggily without really seeing. “Gwaine?” Arthur murmured. “What is it?”

“Look at me!” Gwaine exclaimed in delight, grinning. “Look! I’m _me_!”

Merlin and Arthur were awake now, and sure enough, Gwaine was right. He was himself again, with scruffy beard and a cock and no annoying breasts. “How did the curse break?” Merlin asked.

“I don’t know,” Gwaine admitted. “Maybe it was you getting me off? Maybe it just naturally wears off after a time? I don’t particularly care right now.” He smiled, one hand resting on his flat chest, while the other slowly stroked his prick and drew Merlin and Arthur’s focused gaze. “You know, I never repaid you for what you did last night…”

 

 


End file.
